oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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