Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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