please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
