I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
