i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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