this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize