Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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