Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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