there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
