After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
