thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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