dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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