so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
