I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
