As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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