im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
