I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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