wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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