I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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