why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
