My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We are two peas in an std pod
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
