were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
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I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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