meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
