made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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