you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
