I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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