so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
