i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
