shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
