You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Its about making memories worth repressing
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
