now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
