TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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