Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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