I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
