My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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