I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
