the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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