I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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