maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He shit in the fireplace
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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