be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
