I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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