We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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