I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
