do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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