Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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