why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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