i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
