1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
thus making me awesome and them whores
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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