This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
