Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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