The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
