i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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