I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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