dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
