I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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