i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
