maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
