his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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