saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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