I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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